Sunday, 7 October 2012
"Wow. It's another one of those." Wait. Let me explain. I'm not a 'mom-getting-pre-baby-fit-again', not a 'I've-been-large-all-my-life-and-I-want-a-fresh-new-start', not a 'I'm-already-beautiful-but-I-need-the-attention-to-believe-I-am'.
No, I'm a 'I used to be beautiful, thin and fit, and somewhere along the way, without my knowing, I got fat, out of shape, ugly and have completely distanced myself from everyone to the point I refuse to go out because I know what people are thinking about me because those people used to be me' girl.
I'm being completely serious. Should we do the 'before' and 'after' photos? Okay, let's.
3 Years Ago (yes, this was during Halloween) (130lbs)
Today (sorry for the bad lighting, this was the best I could do on short notice) (200+lbs)
Yup, that's right. It's the same person. I really am not sure what went wrong, and why I couldn't stop it.
I remember when it started a couple years ago and I gained 40lbs in 3 months. I put myself on a resolution to end it. I spent a whole month calorie-counting, exercising a proper and more amount every day, and at the end of the month I had still gained 5 pounds. And none of it was muscle weight.
I'm not sure how you're supposed to compete with your body when it gets like that. And I didn't manage to. So, here I am now, much heavier than then, and almost at my wit's end.
And you're now asking "why is this time different from the last time?". It is because this is starting to affect my health to the point where I can see myself dead in ten years. It's also affecting every aspect of my life. I can't go out because I'm too ashamed to, can't be social with anyone new, can't connect with old friends because I'm so ashamed and so worried about what they think of me.
I don't even have any want to go travelling, something that used to be my passion, because I know I barely fit in the airplane seats, won't fit in in other countries and know I won't enjoy myself because I can't be happy. I also have a really hard time walking or exercising for extended periods of time because I constantly tear the ligament in the bottom of my foot.
My resolution then, is to go back to the way I was. I young, vibrant, healthy woman with a surprisingly interesting life. Part of that is the health aspect, part of it is the weight aspect, and both are, of course, joined.
The way I'm doing that is through talking about it, having my struggles out there for all to see, making sure people will hold me responsible if I quit. One way to help myself along is promising that I will take pictures of myself every day until I reach my goal. That way you know I'm not lying.
Because there is so much to say about my struggle (that includes reminiscing, the past 'diets' I've tried, how I feel now) I think I will leave it here with this first post and throughout my journey I will tell you more and more.
We'll see how this turns out.